This week, Mindy gets curious and heartfelt, sharing a recent conflict experience. Guess who she was in conflict with? 😀 Ever wonder what’s really going on inside you? How do you peel back the layers of thought, assumptions, and challenging emotions to find vulnerability that leads to genuine connection? Then you’re going to love this week’s dive into Microscopic Truths.

Plus, I share my experience with a simple exercise that’s helped me to access my parasympathetic nervous system response.

So, let’s laugh and reflect as we look forward to a week of bolder questions and brave answers while we navigate the beautiful mess of being wonderfully human.

–gonzo

What is alive in you right now?

Excitement. I have these ideas that I love to think about. I love how they connect to other ideas. I love the way that great ideas converge and connect with others. I feel the buzz of excitement when things from something I have learned connect with something else I’ve learned. 

Nervousness. I really want this piece to come together well so I can share these ideas in a way that feels inspiring or curiosity-sparking to others. I want to do the message justice. 

Gratitude. David and I experienced another notable shift in our relationship recently, and some of these ideas were the catalyst. 

Tingling. It’s a little chilly this snowy morning as I write this. The combination of cold and excitement/nerves gives me a little bubbly, tingly sensation on my arms. Interesting to notice.

Asking what is alive in you is a foundation of Non-Violent Communication (NVC) as developed and described by Marshall Rosenberg. I am far from an expert at NVC, having only learned about it last October (thank you David!), but I have read a few books on it and watched several hours of lectures/seminars. And getting these ideas active and somewhat operational in my mind has truly been life-changing. I love the framing of the question, “What is alive in you?” because asking “How are you?” has become routine to the point that it doesn’t mean anything anymore; we know that 90% of the time we are supposed to reply with a “Doing good,” (or “Doing well,” if you’re grammatically conscious) and a “How about you?” or some variation. By framing the question differently, we invite true curiosity. What IS alive in me right now? Can we ask ourselves that question and be open to whatever comes up? Knowing that many people are not in touch with their feelings and have a hard time noticing them let alone naming them, NVC materials provide lists of feelings for reference. Rosenberg said, “There are no positive or negative emotions, just emotions we feel when our needs are met and emotions we feel when our needs are not met.” NVC makes an important distinction between true feelings and faux feelings or interpretations, which may be thoughts prefaced with the words “I’m feeling,” as in “I’m feeling misunderstood.” From the book NonViolent Communication: A Language of Life, “Here the word misunderstood indicates my assessment of the other person’s level of understanding rather than an actual feeling. In this situation, I may be feeling anxious or annoyed or some other emotion.” The goals of NVC are to connect. First to connect with oneself, and only then to connect with others. Most of the time, most of us aren’t in particularly tune or connected with what is going on inside of us, so it is little wonder that we have such a hard time connecting with and relating to others. 

Last week after book club ended, I was looking at the end notes of Chapter Five on the heart chakra and one of the books in the recommended reading list jumped out to me. It was titled “Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment” by Gay Hendricks and Kathlyn Hendricks. I went to my library app and looked it up. It was immediately available, which seems to happen when it’s a book that the Universe really wants me to read. 😉 (Turns out it is also included with an Audible membership.) I added it to my library and started listening the next day. Within two days, I’d listened to the whole thing and ordered a hard copy as well. It is full of insight and wisdom, but one idea in particular kept looping in my mind. Listed as Step Five in the Seven Steps to Co-Commitment is “Learning to Tell the Microscopic Truth.” The microscopic truth. What does that mean? How does it differ from just the regular truth? The authors make the case that we have a lot to learn about telling the truth, and use as an example the following:

Picture yourself saying, in a very matter-of-fact voice, the following things to your mother or father:

I’m a deeply sexual being.

I have a lot of sadness and anger in me.

Sometimes I hurt a lot. 

Could you have done that at age thirteen? Could you do it now? If so, you are lucky and have a rare relationship. We use this example because most of us learn to lie in our relationships with our parents. We learn early on that certain things, if said, cause us great inconvenience… We take a mental snapshot: Truth = Pain. Pretty soon it doesn’t even consciously occur to us to tell the whole truth.  

A result of this is that most of us don’t even tell the truth to ourselves. Instead of feeling what we are feeling, we let our brains come up with a story and think that’s somehow solving the issue. 

Which raises the question, what is the truth and how can you know it? From Conscious Loving:

Our definition: the truth is that which absolutely cannot be argued about...In a close relationship, the truth is most likely to be a clear statement of feeling, of body sensations, or of what you actually did. Following are some examples:

I’m scared.

I’m hurt.

My shoulders are feeling tight as you talk.

I have a pain in my chest right now.

When you told me about the other woman, I felt a wave of nausea and I’m still feeling it. 

I talked to my ex-wife today. 

Your responsibility is to tell the microscopic truth for its own sake, not to please your partner. Use others’ reactions as feedback on how closely you are homing in on the truth…The closer you get to the microscopic truth, the less likely it is ato cause or perpetuate argument. 

This idea of microscopic truths felt to me like a key that would unlock something, though I wasn’t sure what. I didn’t make the connection to the NVC question of what is alive in you until later. Thinking of the microscopic truth to me felt like looking inside to see what was going on, but then looking even more closely and more carefully. Not just lifting up the rocks to see what sort of bugs were underneath and then moving on, but getting down on my knees with a magnifying glass and seeing what was really happening. 

When people learn to tell the microscopic truth, their growth is greatly enhanced. In this context, microscopic refers to the deepest and most subtle truth you can see and feel. The microscopic truth is never external; it always refers to truths inside yourself. 

Thursday night David and I were driving home from Salt Lake City. We’d decided to go listen to a DJ for some time together (hoped to dance but it turned out not to be the most danceable music) since I was going to be out with friends Friday evening and overnight. On the drive, he was reflecting out loud on some thoughts, and during the course of doing so, some challenging feelings came up relating to an unresolved situation between the two of us. We decided the wisest course of action was to not get into it too much since it was so late, but we agreed to connect and open the conversation on Friday. 

I’ll be direct here and acknowledge that this unresolved situation was largely my doing. Sure, he played a role in it, but I would be kidding myself if I didn’t own the bulk of the mess of it all.  Aspects of it came to a head in December, at which time we realized that we did not have the skills or tools needed to navigate it any better. Multiple attempts to do so had just created more bad feelings around the situation. It seemed like in order to make any progress on this particular issue, we were going to have to address things that were more foundational in our relationship, and we just didn’t know how to do that. So in the interest of not wallowing or constantly fighting, we had done our best to just put it aside for the time being and focus our energies elsewhere. Really what that seemed to do was keep us separate and overly sensitive to any slight or perceived threat. Turns out that not looking at a problem doesn’t mean it won’t keep affecting you. 😕 👎

I knew this situation was going to have to be addressed again at some point. But I didn’t know how it was going to go any better than it had the half dozen or so previous times we’d tried. Finally, I latched onto an idea I thought might work. Despite the huge amount of pain and heartache I’d experienced (and caused others to experience) around the situation, I could not deny that out of it had come some really powerful insights, particularly in terms of healing and self awareness for me. I figured if I could identify all that I’d learned and the ways I’d grown, I could share that with David and it would patch everything up nicely, because he would feel like it was all worth it and also feel confident that I wouldn’t put him through something like that again. So on Friday when we talked, I told him about this. I was not met with the response I hoped for. Instead, he pointed out that this was, yet again, another example of me not making space for him or his responses and feelings. Once again I was focused on my own feelings and experience to the point where there didn’t seem to be any room for his. Hearing this, I felt stuck and confused. I didn’t know what else to do. I’d been working so hard to see all of the things I’d learned. I didn’t have any other ideas. 

The idea of telling the microscopic truth came up for me. All right, let’s do this. I got out my metaphorical magnifying glass and went to investigate what was going on inside me. Ohhh. Ooof. 😬 Well, it turns out that I wanted to “solve” this situation by telling David all the insights I’d gained and lessons I’d learned so I didn’t have to hear his feelings. I told him this. He took it like you might expect, which is to say, he felt hurt. After saying it out loud, I could see that there was a part of me* that really held it to be true, but there was also a part of me (maybe the most of me) that didn’t feel that way. That bigger part DID want to be able to hold space for and hear his feelings and experience.  

Time to get out that damn magnifying glass again. Why didn’t I want to hear his feelings? Somewhere from inside me, the answer came quietly but clearly. Hearing how I hurt him will destroy me. Sensations washed over me. Feeling so heartbroken and shameful, I could see that this part of me felt like it would never recover from hearing and knowing how much pain I’d caused him. I felt this sense of deep despair and fear and had imagery of crumbling and shattering. I sobbed. After the waves crashed, I got out the magnifying glass again. I could see that this part of me held a belief that “Good people don’t hurt people. If I hurt him, I’m not a good person.” Ah. I got a sense that this was a younger part of me. A very considerate, conscientious, and very anxious younger part of me. I saw that she very much did believe that not being a good person would be the end of her, so it felt like an existential threat. That explained a lot. With this realization, I could check in with myself to see what I, Mindy, the 45 year old, believe. And 45 year old me has enough life experience to know that, despite our best intentions, we hurt each other. And unintentionally hurting another person does not make one bad. It’s just life. I could feel the tension and fear leaving, like the clouds after a storm, giving way to the sunshine. Not too long later, I felt capable of making plans with David to sit with, hold space, and really listen to him while he shared his experience and feelings. I knew it would be challenging, and I wasn’t necessarily looking forward to it, but I could see how crucial it was for our relationship and I knew that I would be able to handle it. All from looking more deeply for the microscopic truths. From tuning in to what was alive in me. 

Any of you familiar with Internal Family Systems (IFS) may recognize some of what I described as “parts work.” If you’re not familiar with it, I wrote a brief overview on my blog a few months ago when I had another powerful experience engaging with this framework. What I have loved about IFS is that it gives me an entry point when my emotions feel like they are a huge tangled mess or so big that I can’t seem to see around them. IFS operates on the premise that we are all comprised of different parts that have different motivations, beliefs, and strategies. A year ago when we were facing the prospect of selling the home we’d lived in for 16 years, I couldn’t even think about it without becoming a complete mess. In desperation, I took myself out to a coffee shop with the intent to figure out a way forward. I started pulling out the emotions one-by-one and seeing what they had to say. By the end, there were at least half a dozen parts of me, all having different feelings about the sale of the home. No wonder I would get so stuck. If this sounds like it could be a useful framework for you, I encourage you to dive into it a bit more. No Bad Parts is a fantastic resource for jumping in. 

In case you’re curious, our conversation on Saturday went really well. It was not easy. But the challenge of it had its own loveliness, because we were in it together. I could see where I still have room for growth in holding space for David, but it felt like a solid step into better territory for us, and that feels so good. I also feel like I was able to see and begin loosening the grip of some limiting beliefs I’ve held, which continues to be such a freeing process. I hope some of this feels resonant with you, and maybe piques your curiosity on one of these books or frameworks. The right idea at the right time can change your life. 

–Mindy

*Later I spent more time with this part, and I could see that its desire to solve things solo was also related to the fact that I didn’t have anyone to turn to emotionally while I was growing up. Any time I had to figure something out, it was all on me to do it. I was able to reassure this part of me that I don’t have to figure everything out on my own anymore. And that when a situation involves more than one person, it’s vital to get everyone involved in the conversation.

P.S. The night I wrote this piece, we sat down to have another conversation about some related difficult stuff. Having had such a positive experience over the weekend, I think we were both surprised in the worst way when it ended up not going well at all. Sigh. It turns out this stuff is like learning a complicated dance. You can know the steps in your mind, and feel like you have a decent handle on them, but when you actually get out on the dance floor, you can count on stepping on each others’ toes and maybe even running into walls or stepping off ledges. I’m happy to report that the next night we were able to sit down for a redo (which is another tool we’ve adopted in the last year) and it went much better. Maybe this P.S. is unnecessary, but somehow having a newsletter entitled ThisIsReal makes me feel like it’s important to paint an accurate picture of what’s really going on here. ❤️

NEAT!

Stuff that Mindy✨ & David⚡️ think is worth sharing

• This People Pleaser Support Group skit on Saturday Night Live maybe hit a little close to home. 😅✨ 

• Bodily maps of emotions was published in PNAS in 2014 and summarized in this nice short video. ⚡️

• I was excited to find these bite-sized gems from NVC creator Marshall Rosenberg. ✨

• Okay, just one more nice little NVC resource. It really is such a beautiful and powerful framework. ✨

SOMETHING TO TRY

Learning to access your parasympathetic nervous system response can bring you from an agitated fight, flight, freeze, or fawn state to a calm and relaxed “rest and digest” or “ “feed and breed” state. I’ve been noticing how much pain in a trigger point in my back is a response to emotional agitation. So, I’ve taken to activating the LI-4 pressure point located on the back of my hand between my thumb and index finger using my other index finger and thumb of the opposite hand. 

The research on this is sound, and my own experience is that doing this for 2-3 minutes per hand relaxes my back pain, which makes me feel capable of relaxing emotionally.

-David/Gonzo

PARTING

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That’s all for this week! If you’re into this, share this newsletter with all your friends. Connecting with new subscribers is magical! 🧚🏻‍♀️

DISCLAIMER: This newsletter is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for professional medical advice.